my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
