when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They took my balls.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
