I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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