I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So. Much. Porn.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
