I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
