Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
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Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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