Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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