I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
