people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
