Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
