this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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