after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
