I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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