I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
