I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
