I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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