I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
