Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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