Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
