I could have mohawked her pubes.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
