nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Quick, to the slutcave!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
