Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
