I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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