Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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