he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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