Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
