I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
