you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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