hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
