The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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