only you would photoshop your dick
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
