apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
