I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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