if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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