Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
