In the future we'll all be gay
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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