she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
