Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
