I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
