I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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