I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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