Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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