Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Buhtt sex?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
