Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
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