i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
