I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
