Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
