I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
