my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
