So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
