Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
this hospital has no fireball
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
