she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
