I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
