I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
