we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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