I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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