You're completely useless in the revolution.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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