This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
