I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
